How to fix things by not trying to fix things
What's been coming up for me a lot recently is the concept of holding space. As a doctor, a meditation teacher, and a recovering perfectionist, I have always tended to approach my relationships (personal and professional) with a 'how can I fix this?' mentality. Someone would come to me with their problems, and I'd try to suggest solutions or other ways to make the situation better.
What I've learned over the past several years (and trust me they're lessons I continue to learn) is this:
1. Nobody needs 'fixing'
2. Just because someone is sharing a difficult situation or emotion with me doesn't mean they want or need my help
2. It can feel really crappy and dismissive when people tell me what to do when I haven't asked them for their guidance
3. People often don't respond very well when they are told what to do and they haven't asked for guidance (and the advice can backfire)
4. Sometimes the way I can be most helpful is to hold space for someone to feel what they're feeling and experience what they're experiencing, without trying to change any of it. It actually feels very revolutionary to me, and has made me a much better teacher, partner, parent, and friend. It also applies to my relationship with myself. Rather than trying to immediately 'fix' a problem I might be having, I can allow myself to feel and experience all of it, even when it's uncomfortable, and trust that I will figure out the next course of action as I give myself space to move through it.
What does holding space look like?
*Listening as care, rather than listening to form a response or solution
*Validating the way someone is feeling (bonus points if you can do it without saying "I've been there")
*Asking them a simple question: "How can I best support you right now?"
Try asking that question the next time someone shares their problems with you. Even when (especially when) all your 'fix it' instincts are kicking in. Sometimes just knowing that someone is there is all that someone needs to find their own way to a solution.